Folding laundry is something I usually do in a hurry because I just want to move on to the next chore and be done with my domestic duty for the day but yesterday it was a very nice moment for me. I don’t know why but as I sat down the laundry basket, full of Maya’s still warm clothes in her bed, I just kept looking at those little panties and sun dresses and it took me from that room to about 6 years ago when I asked Matt why he wanted to have kids so bad.
Well, I never really wanted to have kids. I love them but I thought it would be hard to fit them in my life. I was always a dreamer; I wanted adventure and honestly never felt the need for kids and did not think too much about it. This was until almost 2 years after we were married. I never felt as if something were missing. I never thought we needed to do it for any reason, but my heart was ready to love someone with Matt. I wanted to share this experience with him because I knew we would be a great family and our child would teach me how to be the mother I was always so scared to be.
So, I was right. I needed to have a child with a personality as strong as mine to keep me on my feet. BAM! Like Matt says, it’s fire with fire. Sometimes we fight like adults and sometimes just like two kids but as I was folding her little clothes yesterday morning, I felt immensely grateful to God. All those clothes, I bought for her. That little person is my daughter and she owns my heart. I am not going to say it’s easy, because I do struggle. I struggle with her fits for nothing, not having time to enjoy my husband like I used to, going to the grocery store with a list and having to leave empty cause she is screaming at me for not letting her get the second cookie, for my freedom… and the list goes on. I always hear, “they are just kids, that is what they do” and I understand that but I am a woman, a person. How about me and my lovely 30-something years that won’t come back? I found the balance (not too long ago). I am not amazing in everything I do and I am ok with that. I take care of myself, my marriage and my daughter and we love each other and we have lots of amazing times and some hard times but in the end it’s all worth it. So as I was folding her little clothes I felt the most amazing sense of responsibility. I was there just folding the clothes but I am here to shape the woman she will become. I am responsible for her everyday life events that will lead her to the choices she will have to make later on in her life and this is the most hard, yet amazing, job that someone can have in this life. As I was putting her in bed last night I thanked her for the amazing day we had together and finishing the day the way we did, sharing peanut butter ice cream and going to PetSmart to see the little fish and doggies having a hair cut, just me and her.
“I used to say, kids are a handful but I now think that it’s much better than have an empty hand.” Read that somewhere I can’t remember where but it is so true!
Matt will be home tonight!